This post is deeply personal to me, and it belongs right here in the “Personal Corner” of this website. It’s a tiny corner, but it’s where I feel safe to share the lessons life is teaching me.
The past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions, with a little chaos thrown into the mix by family dynamics that left me both drained and reflective. I had to stand my ground, establish my boundaries, and be firm about it, even though my heart ached in the process.
Story Time: The Challenge of Saying No ☕
Last week, my cousin—let’s call him Ron—reached out to me. He asked if he could stay at my place while he looked for an agency to help him return abroad for work. He also needed time to find a dorm or a place to stay.
For some context, I grew up in Mindanao, just like Ron. I moved to Manila in early 2015 to prepare for the Bar Exams, and since then, I’ve been living here on my own, working and studying. My independence here has been hard-won, and I cherish the space I’ve created for myself. So, when a relative asks for help, I naturally want to assist in any way I can.
But this time, I had to say no. I told Ron, honestly and gently, that I don’t have any space in my apartment right now. I don’t have a spare room or even a corner to offer. I sent him a voice message explaining this, and I also offered to take him out to dinner or show him around Manila once he arrived. He responded positively, and everything seemed fine.
That was last week.
Then Monday came.
I woke up to three missed calls and several text messages. Ron had arrived in Manila, and without any further discussion, he assumed he would be staying at my place while he looked for a boarding house and an agency. The messages started from 5 AM, but I didn’t see them until after 2 PM because I’ve had my Facebook and Messenger notifications disabled since law school.
When I finally saw the messages, I felt a mix of confusion and concern. My aunt had also messaged, thanking me for letting Ron stay with me, assuming that I had agreed to it. I immediately called her to clarify. I explained that I had already told Ron I couldn’t accommodate him. Despite my clear communication, my aunt felt hurt by my decision.
I was saddened by her reaction, but my decision remained firm. Boundaries are necessary, even when they cause discomfort.
The Struggle Between Heart and Reason
Later, I reached out to Ron. He explained that there was a misunderstanding—his mother thought I had agreed to let him stay if he bought a temporary bed. While I was relieved that the situation was resolved (he was now staying at his uncle’s place), the entire ordeal left me emotionally drained.
It’s never easy to say no, especially to family. The weight of “utang na loob”—a deep sense of gratitude and indebtedness in Filipino culture—can make it even harder. I recalled a time when I had to rely on my aunt’s generosity, and I’ve always tried to show my gratitude in return. But this time, I couldn’t say yes, and it broke my heart that my aunt was hurt by my decision.
Seeking clarity, I spoke to my mentor about the situation. He reminded me of the complexities of our culture, where family ties and obligations run deep. But he also shared a profound truth:
“There is no reason to feel guilty for establishing a boundary.
It’s okay to feel sad about it, but don’t let guilt take root when your reasons are valid.”
Boundaries are not walls; they are guidelines for how we want to be treated. They are essential for maintaining our well-being and protecting the space we’ve worked hard to create. Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you respect both yourself and the other person enough to be honest.
A Lesson in Self-Respect
This experience taught me that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect, not selfishness. It’s a way to honor your own needs while still caring for others. It’s okay to feel the sadness that comes with it, but it’s also important to recognize that sometimes, saying no is the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and for those you care about.
As I move forward, I carry this lesson with me: that it’s possible to be both firm and compassionate, to say no with love, and to trust that those who truly care for you will understand.
“Boundaries are not just about keeping others out; they are about protecting what’s sacred within.”
With best wishes,
Atty. Stela or Stela
